If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
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*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words