As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
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Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
eggs benadryl
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?