So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
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on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.