no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
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“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
#catsoftwitter
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.