Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
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horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
The sacred texts.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
become ungovernable
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.