[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
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“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Thinking about Jeff
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man