[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
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to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.