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Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone