AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
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‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
The French cow says MEUX…
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place