This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
You Might Also Like
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.