Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
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I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
so i’m at the stock market right
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
this is why you should always wash behind your ears