Can’t. About to go please some beans
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Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”