Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
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My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
*checks Timeline*…
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??