the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
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ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.