[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
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Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.