[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
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One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]