*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
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A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Important
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”