Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
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If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.