Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
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The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Does this dress make me look cat?
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
found my next D&D character name
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.