The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
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Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.