No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
You Might Also Like
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Blew my mind.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing