What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
You Might Also Like
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Butt weight. There’s more!