Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
You Might Also Like
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!