Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
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Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary