Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
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Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
#damn
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Jail
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
meow
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*