The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
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my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok