My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
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It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool