I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
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Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Saturday
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
The first one, obviously
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.