A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
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THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.