878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
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No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab