Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
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Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?