when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
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If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Lmaoo 😂
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.