Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
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Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
I’m listening
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
catch me on valentine’s day like
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go