The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
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[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
A tragic love story in two pictures.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Jesus Christ lmao
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.