i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
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Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
I can’t be the only one 😂
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ