schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
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How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name