SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
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I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
how it started vs how it ended
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way