Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Namaste