My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
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Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
*ernest hemingway voice*
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?