taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
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therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Said the murderer.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.