*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
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1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Only short people can save us
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where