Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
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Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..