Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
You Might Also Like
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands