Stop sending me this shit.
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Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf