I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
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[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
a fate I wish upon no one
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.