A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
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Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap