Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
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Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Happy thanksgiving!
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry