In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
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[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It