I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
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him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.