Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
You Might Also Like
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
.
.
.
.
.
.
…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.